A Mind Full of Chaos

I need to reinvent a system for keeping myself in check. I can't think of a single thing I haven't tried in past; pomodoros, gtd, time boxing, what not. They all work for some time, and then stop working. We find flaws in systems pretty quickly; we find cracks, make excused to let us do the easiest thing, the laziest thing.

No matter what system I would adopt next, it all wears off soon. This is a wheel that has been reinvented countless times. If only world was so simple that what works for one would work for all. I need to build a system unique for myself; considering factors that might not have existed for those who predate me. Things that I didn't include earlier.


I never considered change to be a part of any of my systems. I should this time. I believe most things work because of the new tools/techniques/whatever they bring on plate. A new lifestyle, a new toy, or just a different way to do something. As soon as the newness fades away, it becomes a chore to do. A cognitive load that I finally throw away with a deep breath.

I wonder how I'll integrate change. To make it an ultimate changing system, may I should adopt the actual digital nomad lifestyle. Travel around all the time. A month here, few weeks there, keep hopping from city to city. But then, I don't think I am a traveler kind of person. I like it more when there is less chaos outside my mind.


Another important thing is the hunger for growth. I have an unquenchable thirst for growing bigger and bigger. Bigger in everything. I am not a competitive person though, I don't like competing with others. With just myself. I believe it is a good thing. Most satisfying is when I grow my skill set, learning something new or getting deeper into what I am already familiar with. But I wonder if it should be used as a carrot, or as a central piece of the system. Using it as carrot would be like having a 2 hour slot to study something after the day's work is done. For making it a central piece of the system will require me to find either:

  • New things to learn from within what I am currently working. Or
  • Find work for what I want to learn/strengthen


I am seeing people leaving me behind, in the race I don't know I belong or not. A friend just got a job in a startup with very smart people. I envy him for the work environment and team he'll have there. May be I'll start looking for a job in May. Or just enter the wilds of freelancing, leaving the mothership of faceyspacey. I don't know. But that would be an easy workaround, not a solution. I might get into a team of people smarter than me, but not now. Not before I learn to orchestrate this chaos in my head.

These problems have been with me from the very beginning. I thought I solved them when we were in that pressure cooker with celebvidy. They seemed to be a thing of past when we were doing 18 hour days a year ago. But here I am facing them again, half dead. Or living dead may be (the problems, not me). I know I have nailed them, it just need a final push, the last piece of puzzle.


I don't like it when I waste a day like I did today. I need to develop a real good system for myself, a system that will consume least willpower and provide maximum satisfaction.

Consumes willpower

  1. Decision making

    What to eat lunch, which cold drink, which snack. Fuck.

  2. The feeling of "not enough freedom" I have living in the hostel.
  3. Forcing myself to do things
    • when I actually want to do something else. Oooh new shiny language/framework, so cool. I wanna do that, and I am stuck with Meteor. I can code this shit in dreams.

Boosts willpower

  1. Change in my tools

    A new cool mode in Emacs, some new sexy modification I do in settings, some new cool way I invent to do something that was repeating

  2. Knowing my tools better

    Reading something new/deeper about Emacs/git/javascript/meteor is generally a happy/refreshing moment

  3. Talking to someone new in a friendly way.

    If this backfires, it keep me drained for days though.

Maximum satisfaction

Seeing 8:00+ in the hours worked today Knocking more tasks from my todo list than I actually plan to Exercising

It is funny all these things that give most satisfaction at the end of the day are most hard to do.

I am making this a blog post. Will be funny to read in future when I have conquered all these problems.